life updates

t’s 2:40 in the morning. my alarm is set to go off in a little under 3 hours. i can’t sleep. 

a lot has happened. and i’m sorry i neglected this blog for almost a year. but here we are. 

here are some of the big life updates since my last post:

i’ve been on hormones for a couple of months now. they say the first 3 months are the toughest, emotionally at least. i hope they’re right. i fucking hope they’re right. 

i started voice therapy. so far i couldn’t ask for a more supportive person in my life. it’s scary but liberating. i’m feeling appreciative of my SLP and my insurance for this one. 

i’ve been seeing my endocrinologist. he says i’m doing everything right. i see him again in december. 

i’ve broken up with my fiancé. after talking to some friends, i’m just starting to see how transphobic she really has been. i’m not trying to villainize her— i know this isn’t what she thought she signed up for. but honestly, it isn’t what i thought either.

i’ve completely gotten out of religion. sorry mom and dad, but god and i need space. i think i was way too codependent on him for my entire childhood. fuck that. let me do me. 

i dyed my hair pink! well, part of it anyway. and i’m growing it out. i feel like a barbie. in a good way. or it’s BPD. we’ll see. 

i’ve found an ally in my workplace. not only an ally, but a literal miracle. i know i don’t believe in god, but this one makes me second guess that. she has intervened when i needed her the most. i feel supported and loved. 

i came out to my manager. and their boss. had a meeting yesterday. i am drowning in support, love, and acceptance. the only word that resonates with this is “privileged”. (as much as i hate that word)

today, i come out at work. and i go to the dmv for my license. and i go to HR for my new badge. i’m fucking terrified. but i’m fucking excited. someone said anxiety and excitement are fueled by the same adrenaline. that same adrenaline that has me doing CPR on this blog at 3 in the morning. we’re at a point of no return and fuck it. let’s go. it’s time. 

i’ve started cutting again. i know this blog is trying to get away from despondency. but i want to be transparent. it’s happening. my workplace miracle has already intervened. i’m trying my best. hopefully the new pills work better than the prozac. fuck weight gain and no sex drive.

i’m going to try to do a better job of updating this blog in the future. and i want to add a way to update my progress with photos, but keep it behind a password. i’m going to need to work on that one. stay tuned. i’ve got some catching up to do. 

if i gave you this website, it means that you are a part of my transition, a part of my journey. i want to thank you for being there for me, and for supporting me in all the right ways. i trust you and hope that this stays between us; at least until i’m ready. 

i love you. 

-chloe