eyeliner and everything else — journal entry 6

 if you’re missing journal entries 1-5, please standby. they are on the despondency blog and i’m trying to get away from that darkness. i’ll be working on migrating them over here in the coming weeks. i won’t link to it here, but feel free to reach out. 

it’s september 13, 2023. i’m lying in bed. i just fell asleep while watching a documentary about aliens on the history channel. i never watch tv. i just needed something to numb my mind. 

i got a lot done today. and i’m exhausted. i’m mentally burnt out. and i don’t think i can take anymore. not that i’m going to run into traffic, but i’m just… numb. i’ve shut down entirely.

i woke up while the investigator on the history channel was trying to figure out whether the 3 red lights in the sky was an alien invasion or a flare taped to a weather balloon. 

my mind is burnt out today because i finally made the leap. i went to the dmv. i went to HR. i vomited in the bathroom and i nervously told my coworkers “just some light housekeeping… i’m changing my name to chloe. i’m now a she/her.” 

my boss was there. and my boss’s boss was there. it was terrifying. i felt like this was the moment of no return. the secret was out. and i was happy that this time i was the one to make that announcement. 

i was careful with my words. i didn’t ask to be called chloe. i told them that my name is chloe. a difference that meant a lot to me. 

and the outcome couldn’t have been better. i felt so supported. i felt so loved. i felt accepted for being who i truly am. a feeling that has grown distant over the past 10 years. 

my miracle coworker was there with me the entire time. we spent the entire day together. we waited in line at the dmv. we drove to HR. she sat there and reassured me when i almost spilt my miso soup from shaking so badly. 

the most selfless person i think i’ve ever met. 

i kept reminding myself that anxiety and excitement are fueled by the same adrenaline. 

i reminded myself that i’m doing this for me. 

i got a text from my ex. we haven’t talked for nearly a week. she sent me another essay about how she still needs space. good. i’m glad that i can continue living my life uninterrupted by her bullshit. she said she’s praying for me. i’m just a filthy, perverted sinner in her eyes. she is convinced that this is a case of confusion, self-hatred, and autogynephilia. 

my coworkers think this is wonderful. beautiful. lovely. my therapist told me something that stuck around in my head. she told me “i love trans people, because they always have the biggest balls— i mean…” she stumbled over her words. it was a good reminder for me. therapists are humans too, after all. 

i also would add; i think suicidal people who have made it out of their crisis are some of the strongest people. we all don’t have our lives planned out with goals and milestones. i never thought i would make it this far. what do i have to lose now?

but i think my therapist is right. i want to chase some big muscley guy around with a needle full of estrogen. god, what i would do to have that done to me. 

while my ex continues to try to invalidate my feelings, i continue to remind myself: “saying they disapprove of my lifestyle means they disapprove of my life”. and frankly, i don’t need that negativity anymore. 

maybe it’s the hormones, or maybe it’s the antidepressants. or maybe it’s just been a long day. but i find myself crying seeing the beauty of my support system rise out of seemingly nowhere. my miracle friend was right. i do have my people. they really do exist. they really do. and it’s fucking beautiful. 

i never thought i would make it this far, yet here we are. 

and i have support. i am loved and i have people who truly care about me. i saw it today. and i think i’ll continue to see it as this progresses. 

i have a therapist who gave me this diagnosis of gender dysphoria. i have a psychiatrist who is supportive and tells me i “look like a barbie” when i wear my purple beanie to our meetings. i have a SLP who told me if i ever need anything, reach out. i have an endocrinologist who is compassionate and understanding. my point is this: even if some people disapprove of my lifestyle, i have a plethora of professionals who are ready to go to war for me. i have everything i could ever ask for at my disposal.

i took the plunge today. and i’m ready to start living. 

i love you. 

-chloe